#13 You Suck by Christopher Moore

Hilarious book about vampires and the problems they face in this modern world. I read this book fairly quickly, but it took me a few days cause I didn't sit and read it straight through. This is the book after Bloodsucking Fiends, where Jody and Elijah end up getting bronzed (thanks to Tommy). Jody has turned Tommy so they can be together forever, and now they have to figure out what to do next. The cops are expecting them to leave town, but Jody and Tommy think they can get away with not leaving, just lying low and flying under the radar. They find themselves a minion, Abby Normal, aka Allison Green, a deeply perky 16 year old girl who really wants to not be perky anymore. She desperately wants to not be perky, so she dresses herself in black and fishnet and plasters on the black eye make-up and dark lipstick, and tries to invoke the romantic morbid poetry of the masters (Byron, Shelley, and a few others). This gets her noticed by the newly born vampire, Tommy, who needs to find someone who can take care of his and Jody's daytime needs. Tommy becomes "The Dark Master" and Jody becomes "The Countess" for Abby, and she begins her quest to help the two "vampyres" and tries to convince them to turn her.
The plot speeds up to then include a blue hooker, a group of "Animals" who have given the blue hooker more than half a million dollars in just a few short days, and a homeless man who calls himself "The Emperor," who always has his two "men" with him- Bummer and Lazarus, who are really just a Boston Terrier and Golden Retriever, respectively. Lots of action, ultra violet light, and seriously hilarious diary entries from Abby, that make you think you are really inside the head of a 16 year old wanna-be goth girl. I recommend this to everyone.